She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
