If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
