Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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