My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
