WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
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