How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
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