only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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