Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
