I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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