I will die if light touches me.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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