break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
