I think I died a long time ago.
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
This house was built for laser tag.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Well I just put wine in my tea
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Randomize
