Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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