I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
As shirtless as possible
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
