I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Randomize
