I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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