Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
