Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
