Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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