OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?