Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila