I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
