I am puke
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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