My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
