im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
