you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
