I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
