even my farts smell like vagina
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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