my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
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