Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
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She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
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Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
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