I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
