My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
ttyl tear gas
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
