Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize
