Any of you guys fuck a 16 year old again? Because our front yard got fucked over high school style.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
He better not be in your backpack
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
