There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
