why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Randomize
