did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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