Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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