I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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