Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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