we need to drink 2009 down the drain
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
