If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
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Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
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I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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