Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Randomize
