I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Randomize
