Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
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