Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Randomize
