You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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