I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
