let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
