my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
