I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
