I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
how do flat chested girls get laid?
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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