i wish my penis had a tongue
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Come back. Shots need mouths.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
