im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
