i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
