I'm gonna have a badass scar
Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
