Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
