I'm going to jail i love you
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
