he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
