i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
