Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
