I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I think I sprained my soul last night
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Who died my cat blue again?
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
