eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
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