i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
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